Apple Sucks

I found myself struck by a realization whilst watching the most recent Apple keynote. Something big, completely unexpected, and I’d bet most who frequent my site would say is a bit out of character for me. A thought so profound, inspirational, and life-changing that it submerged my brain entirely, sulci steeped in viscous ooze that is the afterbirth of a fledgling idea. I couldn't escape the sludge clogging every crevice. Seeing Tim Cook, Phil Schiller, Craig Federighi–the bigs, the greats–stroll out onto the stage to excitedly introduce the products that their teams had invested so much time and care into producing over the course of years.

“Innovation,” they cried, as we gawped at a new iPhone with a glass back, wireless charging, and an improved camera.

“Just point-two-five millimeters thicker sapphire.” We’re amazed at the LTE antenna engineered around the display of Apple Watch Series 3.

“ANIMOJI.” Craig Federighi, the fox, now a fox. Charming.

Two things are clear to me as I watch. One: we’re a far cry from the vision of Steve Jobs. This is Tim’s Apple now. A company that is going to execute on a vision of computing that is reminiscent of the late founder’s, but still wholly their own.

And two... Apple Sucks. Something I now realize has been sitting in front of me all along. I just wasn’t ready to see it.

For decades, we’ve been given confections. Bright colors, flashy flavors, lots of sweets, no substance. Delicious shapes, meticulously crafted, bearing no real usage outside of casual consumption that keeps us craving for more. Some products are true pieces of art, but their luster only lasts so long before they’re replaced by some new concoction. It’s an endless stream of delectable offerings overridden soon after by more candy. Some have colorful shells, making them even more enticing. But no matter their coating, they all have one thing in common: they’re useless fluff.

Apple Sucks. That’s the only thing I can think of.

Imagine, if you will, a lollipop. But instead of being molded out of pure sugar and artificial flavors, it was a wholesome, all-natural blend of puréed apples and other fruits to create a snack anyone could feel good about sucking. A healthy alternative to the sugary crap constantly peddled to us, crafted by modern baking techniques. A treat that contained all of the flavor and fun of candy, without any of the guilt.

Tech companies are constantly heralded for all of their innovation. Why isn’t there room for that type of creativity in the candy market? It’s time to shake things up. All it took was a little inspiration from one of the most significant companies in the world.

It’s amazing to me how this idea hasn’t yet been tackled. It seems so obvious. Apple Sucks. A straightforward answer to a complex problem. It’s so smart, it’s stupid.

Pop a Suck in your gob.