Apple Support Joins Twitter

Today, in a desperate attempt to save their doomed tech conglomerate, Apple Inc. finally joined Twitter, the social media network that has been slowly circling the drain for years.

It's not immediately apparent why the struggling Cupertino-based computer company (forever living in the shadow of its deceased founder) chose to establish a presence on the micro-blogging platform that only has 320M monthly active users–an already pitiful number that is threatened by a series of (ill-conceived) recent changes to the platform–but keen eyes will note that this is yet another troubling milestone from a company whose panicked leadership seems intent to throw anything at the wall (barring their own gadgets, of course, because unlike all of their competitors, Apple has yet to circumvent the laws of physics and make their devices indestructible) in an attempt to right a swiftly sinking ship. Between a smart watch that was effectively dead on arrival, to a streaming music service enveloped in constant controversy, to the omnipresent reports of their software effectively crumbling from within, it's not surprising that they would divert their attention from more important matters to futz around on a failing website chock full of GIFs and variations of the same joke regurgitated by different people hundreds of times during every event that has a modicum of notoriety.

Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey, welcomed Apple in a series of tweets this morning:

The claims of an exhausted leader doing his damnedest to obfuscate the dire reality that his company is tearing itself apart at the seams.

Apple CEO, Tim Cook, tweeted a vague-yet-optimistic announcement himself earlier this afternoon, staying true to Apple's insincere claims that they care about their customers:

A blatant jab at the FBI. This is about what we could expect from the man who took over a burgeoning company and ran it into the ground.

Classless.

Needless to say, it's disheartening to see two formerly great companies in bed with one another in the final throes of their turbulent existence, but it is fitting at the very least. It's only a matter of time before the sheer weight of Apple's bloat causes Twitter to collapse in on itself, igniting a violent implosion that swallows both organizations whole. From within the gaping maw of the resulting singularity, a weary Steve Jobs–having journeyed endlessly for years throughout the multiverse–will emerge to usher in an extra four weeks of winter. Carrying Tim Cook's withered, broken body in his arms, Jobs will close the rift behind him. Our timeline will be immediately thrust into a reality where Apple and Twitter never existed. Everyone has an Android phone. Google+ rose to single-handedly destroy Facebook.

And somewhere, a moist Eric Schmidt will quietly shudder in the midst of a spontaneous and violent orgasm.