Apple Watch is Mark Wilson's dead horse

Mark Wilson, trying his damnedest to find something to write about as a follow-up to fit into the desperate, asinine narrative he's concocted:

The Apple Watch, despite years of hype before it was even announced, appears to be flopping after all.

Hundred bucks says he wrote that line right after publishing his piece from a couple months back. I can almost hear him finishing himself off.

He continues (emphasis mine):

It wasn’t a good sign when Apple announced shortly before the Watch release that they weren’t going to be breaking out sales numbers.

The article he links to is from October 21, 2014, six months before the Apple Watch went on sale. It was also a mere month and a half after the world first officially learned of the Apple Watch's existence. Notably, the information reported is from an earnings call Apple holds on a quarterly basis, the first one after the September 9 unveiling of the Watch. You know, the one place Tim Cook might bring up this type of information. But yeah, obviously they were holding onto this dirty little secret until the last possible second.

Now, a new report from third-party analysts Slice Intelligence not only show that Apple Watch sales are down 90% since launch—a big deal, since it implies early adopters aren't regaling more cautious buyers with glowing word-of-mouth—but also that Fitbit is outselling Apple in the wearables space. Apple may have already crushed small time smartwatch companies like Pebble, but the Watch has failed to disrupt the larger wearable marketplace.

Declaring presumptive implications based on shady data. Check. Comparing two devices whose functionality overlaps in a single area, where one offers a considerable amount of additional functionality, while the other focuses solely on a single aspect. Oh, and don't forget not to factor in the considerable price difference for the latter. Check.

Imagine if months after the iPad release, we learned it still hadn’t outsold some model of Windows tablet. A couple of million units sold sounds okay, but hardly the sort of smash hit we've come to expect from Apple. A precipitous decline in sales after just a couple of months? Not a good sign.

Yeah, no, a couple of million units sounds okay, I guess.

Will the Apple Watch recover, and sell 100 million units in two years, like the iPad, or three years, like the iPhone? There’s still time—but not at these rates. (Which, to be fair, are projections based on email receipts hoovered up by Slice, not from Apple itself.) Even with generous rounding errors, the Watch has failed to become the status quo object in wearables. And for Apple, that’s a flop.

An assessment based on two ridiculous things:

  1. The data coming in from Slice that even the author himself hints shouldn't be trusted.
  2. The notion that naysayers love to rely upon: Apple is the only company who should be measured by completely different (and often impossible) standards than any other company.

The rest of his piece meanders quite a bit, unfortunately, not unlike his first foray into Apple doom and gloom clickbait horseshit. He touches upon how he thinks Apple Watch doesn't work that well (subjective), or how it's not very fashionable (subjective), which he deduces by—I shit you not—trolling through celebrities' Instagram accounts.

Mercifully, he decides to tell us why the Watch is crashing and burning before our very eyes in a disappointingly anti-climactic paragraph:

The Apple Watch is flopping because it’s very well executed, but not very well designed. In terms of utility, it’s hard to use, and not solving meaningful problems. In terms of fashion, it's a piece of technology that inherently falls short of timelessness, and yet doesn't keep up with fast fashion, either.

"Not solving meaningful problems." The same reason why the iPad was destined to fail. Not keeping up with fashion, because Beyoncé or Drake aren't wearing theirs in every Instagram photo. Although, in fairness to that last point, the author is painfully self-aware:

And let's ignore the challenge of auguring Yoncé's daily technology and fashion choices solely from images on a highly curated Instagram feed. So she doesn't wear the same watch every day; she's a fashionista who changes her look on a daily basis.

Yes, let's ignore it, indeed.

All of Wilson's points are hastily sewn together. A hodgepodge of half-thoughts. The neglected smegma of other larger and more complete ideas, but he won't just wipe them away from under the folds. No, there's ad revenue to be had.

I guess I can be a cynical dick, too.