Hump Day

Yesterday, amidst the flurry of OS releases coming from Apple (including a tvOS 9.1 update that brings iOS Remote app functionality which happens to be on par with the Xbox's Smart Glass app in terms of input responsiveness, holy shit!), media was all aflutter with the unexpected release of a new product from Cupertino. A silicone case with a (don't call it a hump)... Ehm... Significant protuberance, you might say. A bulge which could immediately prequalify its candidacy for quietly attending to a famed Parisian cathedral. If only Victor Hugo were alive today.

Naturally, the new iPhone 6s Smart Battery Case dominated a large portion of the conversation. Inflicting severe ocular trauma upon anyone who dared let their gaze stray over it, Jony Ive's latest monstrosity was unleashed on a populace hungry to immediately shun it based solely on cursory glances alone. Its existence is proof that those in charge at Apple have completely lost their marbles. Steve Jobs would never have allowed this to happen. How do we know this? Why, the collective snark of the Internet of course. Here are a smattering of Reddit comments:

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

I AM REALLY NOT SURE BUT LET'S GET REAL MAD ABOUT IT

Apple get your shit together.

Srsly.

This is shit.

Yes, let's get it together.

as much as this is a shit product with a shit design. i hope allot of people buy this to show apple that we want more power! make the phone thicker cause we want that juice!

Oh, hey, turns out Victor Hugo is alive.

If these displays of eloquence don't convince you that Tim Cook and friends have completely shit the bed, then I don't know what will. This "Smart Case" is nothing more than pure Apple hubris. Anyone with half a brain can plainly see that they're just fucking with us now. Apple should have just followed every other battery case manufacturer's lead and created a chunky-and-absurdly-heavy-but-completely-symmetrical tank of a shell that's damn near impossible to open, makes the phone a gigantic pain in the ass to use, and potentially degrades wireless capabilities. That would've made so much more sense.

Our only hope now is to vote for Donald Trump and hope to God he can put an end to this madness. Tim Cook is Muslim, right?


Breathe...

No, the Smart Battery Case is not very attractive. No battery cases are. They're all enormous and bloated. They have to be. They're filled with fucking batteries. The entire product range is an exercise of function over form.

Yet, not one of them promises to offer the same sort of experience that this case does. Flexible silicone exterior, making inserting and removing your phone significantly easier than any other option out there. A Lightning port that can easily fit onto a dock, and allows you to charge both the case and the phone at exactly the same time with a single cable. An intelligent battery indicator that integrates seamlessly with iOS. Extra antennas built in to ensure that using the case as intended doesn't ruin your reception. Not to mention keeping the areas surrounding the battery itself as thin as possible to provide the best possible ergonomic situation. You can't say any of that about any other option out there.

The people shopping for battery cases for their phone are well aware that they add considerable bulk and weight. And if they're not aware of that, it's something they'll quickly learn. Apple's option is the least obtrusive for being what it is. It's designed for function, and appears to easily surpass its competitors. Joanna Stern believes so. Even Reddit user, sionnach, is a believer after using it for a day.

Wait... So we shouldn't trust the collective knee jerk social network/comment section snark to say what is or is not well-designed? Maybe we should hear from the people who are in the market for something like this and have actually used it?

Shocking.

It's always baffling to see this damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't mentality when it comes to Apple. When a device is designed with form over function, people bitch. When they go the opposite direction, people bitch. Apple literally can't win in their eyes.

And then there's the convenient, seemingly deliberate obfuscation of history with the conjuring of Steve Jobs. He would have never let anything like this happen. As though he wasn't responsible for this little motherfucker. Apple's mouse game has never been on point. Don't try and pretend otherwise.

Mouse tangents aside. The reality is that nothing is ever perfect. There are always compromises. Yet, somehow, Apple is expected to flawlessly execute 100% of the time, while also eschewing the laws of physics, and creating products that apparently must be the exact fit for every single one of their hundreds of millions of customers. I see no other company held to such impossible standards, and being lambasted every step of the way.

It's almost as though the problem isn't with Apple, but with us.